Ajeeb kashmakash mein hoon main. . .samajh nahi aata ki samjhoon toh kya. . .zindagi ke bahut hi kam rishte hain jinke gatth par purn vishwaas hai :) meri stithi toh vaakai mein daya karne laayak hai. . .aur yeh koi garv ki baat nahi. . .mann main har waqt manthan chal raha hai. . .haan yeh acchi baat hai. . .soch vichaar karna hameshaa accha hota hai. . .vishay chahe jo bhi ho :) aur jab zindagi se samjhota (mujhe samjhota bilkul pasand nahi. . .isliye us mein se ubhar ne ki koshish kar rahi hoon :) ) karne lagi thi, tab ek chhoti si baat meri nazar mein padi aur phir apne un kacche rishton par sawaal utthne lage. . .kya woh waakai mein toot gaye hai? Par dil kabhi jhoot nahi bolta :) aur apne dil ka jawaab jaanti hoon main :) par kuch toh baat hai jo ab bhi khatak rahi hai. . .us sawaal ka jawaab ko khair waqt hi dega :) kabhi hum ummeed ka diya jalaakar khud ko dilaasa dete hain. . .aur kabhi gham ke vishaal kooain mein kood padte hai. . .khair, itna imtehaan liya gaya hai mera, toh thoda aur hi sahi. . .

:) zindagi ke raah par mile kuch ujhle kiran :) woh aaye, apni roshni barsaakar, aage ke raaste ko dikhaakar gaye :) aur phir gaye :) woh kab aate hai, kab jaate hai, yeh koi na jaane :) par iska hum par kya prabhaav padhta hai, yeh toh hum par nirbhar hai :) humaari manostithi par, aur is baat par nirbhar hai ki hum kahaan khade hain :) beech raaste hain, ya kisi mod par khade hain, ya phir ek naya safar shuru hone ko hai :) aur phir humaare andar ki shakti par nirbhar hai. . .kuch log bhagyashaali hain ki unke ghammein unke saathi unhe sahaara dete hai, kuch log apni ladaaimein akele hoti hain, khair sochne waali baat toh yeh hai. . .kya toote hue atma vishwaas ko phir se samet sakte hain hum, kya dil par keeche gaye lakeeron ko mitta sakte hai hum. . .mitta nahi sakte toh kya unhe bhar sakte hai hum? :) Shaayad haan, aur shaayad nahi, par koshish toh kar hi sakte hain :)  insaan tab nahi haarta jab uski koshish asafal hoti hai, insaan tab haarta hai jab woh koshish karna chhod deta hai :) zindagi ki yeh hi toh hai maaya, kabhi dhoop kabhi chhaaya :) dard mittaaya ja sakta hai :) aur isme waqt lagta hai :) har cheez ki apna kaal hota hai :) sab kaam sahi waqt aane par hota hai :) har musibat mein koi bhalaai toh chhupi hoti hai :) aur raat kitni bhi lambi aur gehri kyun na ho, har saanj ka savera hota hai :) yeh baatein sirf kehne ki nahi :) sach mein in baaton par yakeen karti hoon :) aur dheere dheere gham ke kaale baadal hatt te nazar aa rahe hain mujhe :) is dukh mein jo bhalaai chhipi thi woh bhi dikh chuki hai mujhe :) bas ab mann mein shraddha ka bhaav le kar chalte hi jaana hai :)

Ah :) spoke too soon :) here comes d pain :) n there it goes. . .n bk again. . .hmmm :) but I dunno if one has d right 2 complain if one deserves it :P God knows. . .n sadly I don't. . .there's dis fine, really fine strand of thread I'm holdin on2 for dear life :) there were two such strands, one broke. . . :) n now there's one more. . .2 go ultimately. . . :) like I sd, waters unchartered :) never thot I'd land here :) d love's still mine n so r d memories :) but ya things can get better. . . :)

“When fate wronged me, I had not the wisdom to remain cool; I turned desperate; then I degenerated”


Life takes U thru waters U never thot U’d charter :) guess tat’s wat make each person’s lfe so unique. . .one helluva emotional rollercoaster :P joy, sorrow, disappointment, excitement, love, hatred, U name it :P EVERY person’s been thru them all. . .but today I’m experiencin somethin I never thot I would. . .they say love hurts n boy does it or wat :P a lotta hurt, anger, disappointment over a stretch of a coupla days :) but now, I realized somethin. . .wen U love sum1 wid all ur heart n wen tat love’s reached a pinnacle, n wen U feel tat it’s all gone, yes initially U feel hurt n nothin seems right in d world. . .but I felt somethin I never thot I would. . .I’m no longer angry or disappointed. . .I’m feelin light. . .n happy. . .I asked myself if it was relief. . .nope tat’s not it. . .ah. . .it’s d feelin tat d love in ur heart cannot b taken away fm U :) after a point, even if d person U love, whoever it may b, doesn love U in return, worse, hates U in return or breaks ties fm U, it doesn hurt anymore. . .’coz U jus begin 2 love them so much tat there’s no room 4 hatred. . . :) it’s a bittersweet feelin :) it’s like even if say 4 instance d person, ppl, I love were 2 come n beat me up (:P), abuse me n tell me 2 my face tat they don’t want me in their life, I simply cannot hate them :) like one of those puppies tat simply follows even after U ask it 2 go away :P but no, I ain’t gonna follow :) ‘coz tat’d b intrusion. . .especially after U’ve been told 2 give space n U realize how imp tat is. . . :) but I’m fine :) I’ve memories, feelings, emotions tat r mine n here 2 stay. . .let’s all learn to love, love love :) ‘coz as goes a quote I once read, act of love is an act of self evolution even when d purpose of d act is sum1 else’s growth :)

Mere saamne ek baccha chal raha tha. . .aur theekh uske peecche uski maa. . .deewaar ke upar se. . .utni si jagah mein sirf ek aadmi ek waqt par ek paon rakh sakta hai. . .main bhi peecche peecche us hi deewaar par chal rahi thi un dono ke peeche :) aur pata hai maine kya dekha? Ek baccha jo khatron par chal raha tha aur ek maa jo apne bacche ko aisa karne se rokh nahi rahi thi. . .kaisi maa hai woh? Upar se woh apne bacche ka haath bhi nahi pakad rahi thi. . .phir dheere dheere kuch aur bhi dikha. . .baccha har waqt maa ka aanchal pakad kar chal na nahi chahta tha. . . :) woh azaad hona chahta tha. . . :) aur yeh bhi dekha ki jab bhi bacche ke kadam dagmagaaye, maa ne apna haath badhhaaya. . .aur jab bhi bacche ne maa ki madad maangi, maa ne palak jhapakte hi uska haath thaama. . .

Kya us maa ne apna kartawya nibhaaya? :) Kya maa baap ka farz apne bacche ki raksha karna hai, unke liye sahi galat ka faisla karna hai, ya phir unhe har faisle ke bure aur bhale ke baare mein aaga karke, khud ke faisle lene ka adhikaar dena hai. . . ? Aur uske baad agar bacche ka faisla galat nikla toh. . . ? Kya maa baap ko phir bhi uska saath dena chahiye. . . ? Ab bhai faisla toh maa baap leinge toh ab main toh bas itna hi kar sakti hoon is baare mein. . . :P

Ek tha ladka aur ek thi ladki. . .aur. . .aur kya? Aage jo hua so hua. . .par aap ne kya socha? :) prem kahaani? :) Kya har ladka aur ladki ki kahaani sirf prem kahaani hoti hai? :) Kya baat dosti tak seemit nahi reh sakti? :) 'Par shuruwaat toh dosti se hoti hai, aur baat kab aage bad jaaye, logon ko kaano kaan khabar nahi padti', aisa log kehte hai. . .chalo bhai maan liya, kahi baar aisa beshaq hota hoga, lekin har baar aisa ho, aisa kaun si kitaab mein likha hai bhai? :) Kya ek ladke aur ladki ke beech ka rishta dosti acchi dosti nahi ho sakti kya? :) Aur kya har rishte ko naam dena zaroori hota hai? :) Yeh sab mein kyun keh rahi hoon? :) Kyunki dukh ki baat toh yeh hai ki main yeh jin ke liye likh rahi hoon, woh yeh shaayad kabhi naa paddhe :) Bas. . .yuun hi. . .shaayad bhadhaas nikaalni thi. . .ya phir bas mann ki baat kisi ko batani thi. . . :) zyaada kuch kehne ko nahi. . .bas ek fariyaad. . .agli baar ek ladka aur ladki ko ek saath dekhne aur paane par, kuch bhi soch samajhne se pehle bas ek baar un dono se zaroor pooch lena ki unke beech ka rishta aakhir hai kya. . . :) aur naa bhi poocho toh kam se kam unke rishte par, apni marzi ke hisaab se koi bhi mohar mat laga lena. . . :)

I lay on the hospital bed, waiting for the doctor 2 tell me wat I already knew. . .n wat I've already known 4 couple of months now. . .it is but inevitable. . .my arm needs to be amputated. . .it was for the best, said d doctor. . .but I'm d one sufferin d loss. . .hot tears rollin down my cheeks. . .my only source of solace bein d fact tat I've another arm. . .knowin tat it's not over yet. . .life can still move on. . .but nothin 2 replace wat I'm gonna lose. . .n it ain't jus d physical pain. . .of d physical separation. . .it's knowin one day after THE DAY, I'm gonna wake up n realize tat there's somethin of prime importance missin. . .

I've been prepared 4 dis 4 quite a while now. . .n I'm fine most of d tyms, but wen I'm remimded of d impendin sufferin, my eyes brim wid tears in a split second. . .is dis weakness? Is it wrong 2 b immensely attached 2 somethin tat's d very means of ur existence? Where does one draw d line? I dunno. . .I'm not sure whether I'll ever know. . .or ever understand. . .jus holdin on2 every passin moment like it's d ultimate. . .gropin in d dark 2 find somethin 2 stop tym, then turn it bk. . .wantin 2 relive everythin tat's given me immense joy n happiness. . .2 carry me thru d rest of d journey. . .my other arm in place. . .for now. . . :)