I'd like to talk about forgiveness today. No, this is not some preachy lecture about how you need to forgive others for your peace of mind etc. Of late, I've been viewing forgiveness in a slightly different light.

I see forgiveness as a spectrum now, allow me to explain. There are varying degrees of forgiveness and since I don't have clear definitions or words for them, I can only explain with examples of situations in which you would probably need to forgive. The first would be, say, someone borrowed your most favourite book and managed to lose it. The second, someone mocks you or are insensitive towards you. Third, a person out rights hurts, insults and humiliates you.

Now, I don't think it's impossible to forgive someone under either of those types of circumstances but I believe that it's dependant on a number of factors. Firstly, it depends on whether this person was a loved one or not. Sometimes it's easier to forgive a stranger than to forgive a friend and I think it's because you love and trust your friend and an event such as this can hamper that. It's easier to hate someone, if things reach such a point, if you've loved them once, rather than if you were indifferent to them.

And how many people actually say sorry for what they have done? Personally, all I need is a heartfelt apology and I can genuinely forgive and move on. Some people though, either are too thick to realise what they've done wrong or their ego would not allow them to apologise. I suppose you can still forgive people despite no apology, and that brings me to my next point.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily have to be black or white (as in, either you forgive or you don't). You can either wholeheartedly forgive someone and not think about it, and I have done that many a times, or, in particularly hard situations, you can still forgive but always remember what they did. The forgive but don't forget rule that I have. It's important not to forget so as not to give people opportunities to hurt you in the same manner again.

Now here's another thought- is it possible to undo the forgiveness? This might seem bizarre but this happened to me. Many years ago when I had a falling out with a friend, despite the harsh treatment I'd received, I had forgiven him. . .till recently. Yes, I no longer forgive him and here's why. When things went awry all those years back, I believed I was to blame and that I deserved what I got. But with time, love and support, I was able to look back at those events in a much more clear light and realised that I did not deserve what I got, that I had not committed a crime and did not deserve to be treated like filth. It took me years to stop blaming myself unnecessarily and once I did that, I felt that a person who misled me and does not even regret it, does not deserve my forgiveness!

In conclusion, I think it's ok not to forgive someone, it doesn't mean you are incomplete or petty. In fact, having someone to hate sometimes can provide a good outlet to channel you negativity towards. .  .and you never know, it might turn into something constructive :-)

"Na mohabbatein, na dosti ke liye.  . .waqt rukta nahi kisi ke liye".  .  .

Ghazals such as these are among the many bits of music that helped me get through tough times. A rough equivalent of the line above would be 'time and tide wait for none'.  .  .and so true, but I digress.  .  .

I have no doubts that I have spoken about this before, perhaps in a different manner, still it helps to pen things down as they come to you. When people hurt you, you wonder if they ever realise what they have done, if if they repent.  .  .if you are like me, you probably believe in Karma, what goes around comes around. Quite often, I'm fortunate and Karma lets me watch people suffer.  .  .call it voyeuristic or petty, justice and retribution are very important to me.

And then, there are times when time and distance do not give you the opportunity to know.   .  .what do you do then? Just forget about it, right? Easy peezy.  .  .well, not for me. You see, I am, well, was, among those emotional fools who gave a 100 percent to all relationships that are worth it, not realising that it's important to be equals in a relationship. In my cases, yes plural if you'd believe, I was in shoulder deep while the "other" person was possibly just dipping his feet in, or so is the logical explanation for why it was so easy for them to just forget about me.

One of these friends actually said to me, "you just lost a friend, trust me it's nothing like being in a romantic relationship, you have no idea.  .  .". At first I thought, maybe he's right, after all I'd never actually fallen in love, all these people I got so attached to were all friends, best friends yes, but things never went past that, in a way that was a blessing I guess.  .  .n when even that friend left my side, I thought no, if I'm hurt, I'm hurt, a friend instead of a lover does not make my feelings any less significant or deep. I spent most of life listening to stories of other people, acknowledging their feelings, didn't occur to acknowledge my own.  . .

Then a thought occurred to me, something almost as painful as what I had already been through. I noticed a pattern, no one can get unlucky every single time, perhaps I'm the reason, I drive people away, maybe I'm unable to inspire loyalty in others and that, hurts the most. It's something I can't quite shake off, it's not that I'm too nice or too forgiving, maybe I'm just not good enough, or I'm a bit too involved. Funny, today I'm a wife and a mother and one of the things my husband loves about me is that I love him to bits but I also give him space. Maybe I've changed.  . .or maybe, I've finally found a man (I stress on man, as my girlfriends have given me tremendous support and love) who loves me for who I am, we balanced each other out, we fill each other's void.  . .and that is perhaps why none of the others "worked out".  .  ,they were never meant to, for this to happen :)

It's been years since all these incidents, life goes on, and I think somewhere deep down, I can say I've forgiven them, but if life ever presented the opportunity, I would give these people a piece of my mind, it's important that people are made aware of their mistakes, and even if they know it already, it would feel awesome to just vent out all my anger and pain in person, letting it out once and for all, to feel light again, to feel free of some emotional baggage as it were.  . .perhaps, someday, you never know.  .  .