"Na mohabbatein, na dosti ke liye. . .waqt rukta nahi kisi ke liye". . .
Ghazals such as these are among the many bits of music that helped me get through tough times. A rough equivalent of the line above would be 'time and tide wait for none'. . .and so true, but I digress. . .
I have no doubts that I have spoken about this before, perhaps in a different manner, still it helps to pen things down as they come to you. When people hurt you, you wonder if they ever realise what they have done, if if they repent. . .if you are like me, you probably believe in Karma, what goes around comes around. Quite often, I'm fortunate and Karma lets me watch people suffer. . .call it voyeuristic or petty, justice and retribution are very important to me.
And then, there are times when time and distance do not give you the opportunity to know. . .what do you do then? Just forget about it, right? Easy peezy. . .well, not for me. You see, I am, well, was, among those emotional fools who gave a 100 percent to all relationships that are worth it, not realising that it's important to be equals in a relationship. In my cases, yes plural if you'd believe, I was in shoulder deep while the "other" person was possibly just dipping his feet in, or so is the logical explanation for why it was so easy for them to just forget about me.
One of these friends actually said to me, "you just lost a friend, trust me it's nothing like being in a romantic relationship, you have no idea. . .". At first I thought, maybe he's right, after all I'd never actually fallen in love, all these people I got so attached to were all friends, best friends yes, but things never went past that, in a way that was a blessing I guess. . .n when even that friend left my side, I thought no, if I'm hurt, I'm hurt, a friend instead of a lover does not make my feelings any less significant or deep. I spent most of life listening to stories of other people, acknowledging their feelings, didn't occur to acknowledge my own. . .
Then a thought occurred to me, something almost as painful as what I had already been through. I noticed a pattern, no one can get unlucky every single time, perhaps I'm the reason, I drive people away, maybe I'm unable to inspire loyalty in others and that, hurts the most. It's something I can't quite shake off, it's not that I'm too nice or too forgiving, maybe I'm just not good enough, or I'm a bit too involved. Funny, today I'm a wife and a mother and one of the things my husband loves about me is that I love him to bits but I also give him space. Maybe I've changed. . .or maybe, I've finally found a man (I stress on man, as my girlfriends have given me tremendous support and love) who loves me for who I am, we balanced each other out, we fill each other's void. . .and that is perhaps why none of the others "worked out". . ,they were never meant to, for this to happen :)
It's been years since all these incidents, life goes on, and I think somewhere deep down, I can say I've forgiven them, but if life ever presented the opportunity, I would give these people a piece of my mind, it's important that people are made aware of their mistakes, and even if they know it already, it would feel awesome to just vent out all my anger and pain in person, letting it out once and for all, to feel light again, to feel free of some emotional baggage as it were. . .perhaps, someday, you never know. . .
Ghazals such as these are among the many bits of music that helped me get through tough times. A rough equivalent of the line above would be 'time and tide wait for none'. . .and so true, but I digress. . .
I have no doubts that I have spoken about this before, perhaps in a different manner, still it helps to pen things down as they come to you. When people hurt you, you wonder if they ever realise what they have done, if if they repent. . .if you are like me, you probably believe in Karma, what goes around comes around. Quite often, I'm fortunate and Karma lets me watch people suffer. . .call it voyeuristic or petty, justice and retribution are very important to me.
And then, there are times when time and distance do not give you the opportunity to know. . .what do you do then? Just forget about it, right? Easy peezy. . .well, not for me. You see, I am, well, was, among those emotional fools who gave a 100 percent to all relationships that are worth it, not realising that it's important to be equals in a relationship. In my cases, yes plural if you'd believe, I was in shoulder deep while the "other" person was possibly just dipping his feet in, or so is the logical explanation for why it was so easy for them to just forget about me.
One of these friends actually said to me, "you just lost a friend, trust me it's nothing like being in a romantic relationship, you have no idea. . .". At first I thought, maybe he's right, after all I'd never actually fallen in love, all these people I got so attached to were all friends, best friends yes, but things never went past that, in a way that was a blessing I guess. . .n when even that friend left my side, I thought no, if I'm hurt, I'm hurt, a friend instead of a lover does not make my feelings any less significant or deep. I spent most of life listening to stories of other people, acknowledging their feelings, didn't occur to acknowledge my own. . .
Then a thought occurred to me, something almost as painful as what I had already been through. I noticed a pattern, no one can get unlucky every single time, perhaps I'm the reason, I drive people away, maybe I'm unable to inspire loyalty in others and that, hurts the most. It's something I can't quite shake off, it's not that I'm too nice or too forgiving, maybe I'm just not good enough, or I'm a bit too involved. Funny, today I'm a wife and a mother and one of the things my husband loves about me is that I love him to bits but I also give him space. Maybe I've changed. . .or maybe, I've finally found a man (I stress on man, as my girlfriends have given me tremendous support and love) who loves me for who I am, we balanced each other out, we fill each other's void. . .and that is perhaps why none of the others "worked out". . ,they were never meant to, for this to happen :)
It's been years since all these incidents, life goes on, and I think somewhere deep down, I can say I've forgiven them, but if life ever presented the opportunity, I would give these people a piece of my mind, it's important that people are made aware of their mistakes, and even if they know it already, it would feel awesome to just vent out all my anger and pain in person, letting it out once and for all, to feel light again, to feel free of some emotional baggage as it were. . .perhaps, someday, you never know. . .
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