Thursday, March 31, 2016

I'd like to talk about forgiveness today. No, this is not some preachy lecture about how you need to forgive others for your peace of mind etc. Of late, I've been viewing forgiveness in a slightly different light.

I see forgiveness as a spectrum now, allow me to explain. There are varying degrees of forgiveness and since I don't have clear definitions or words for them, I can only explain with examples of situations in which you would probably need to forgive. The first would be, say, someone borrowed your most favourite book and managed to lose it. The second, someone mocks you or are insensitive towards you. Third, a person out rights hurts, insults and humiliates you.

Now, I don't think it's impossible to forgive someone under either of those types of circumstances but I believe that it's dependant on a number of factors. Firstly, it depends on whether this person was a loved one or not. Sometimes it's easier to forgive a stranger than to forgive a friend and I think it's because you love and trust your friend and an event such as this can hamper that. It's easier to hate someone, if things reach such a point, if you've loved them once, rather than if you were indifferent to them.

And how many people actually say sorry for what they have done? Personally, all I need is a heartfelt apology and I can genuinely forgive and move on. Some people though, either are too thick to realise what they've done wrong or their ego would not allow them to apologise. I suppose you can still forgive people despite no apology, and that brings me to my next point.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily have to be black or white (as in, either you forgive or you don't). You can either wholeheartedly forgive someone and not think about it, and I have done that many a times, or, in particularly hard situations, you can still forgive but always remember what they did. The forgive but don't forget rule that I have. It's important not to forget so as not to give people opportunities to hurt you in the same manner again.

Now here's another thought- is it possible to undo the forgiveness? This might seem bizarre but this happened to me. Many years ago when I had a falling out with a friend, despite the harsh treatment I'd received, I had forgiven him. . .till recently. Yes, I no longer forgive him and here's why. When things went awry all those years back, I believed I was to blame and that I deserved what I got. But with time, love and support, I was able to look back at those events in a much more clear light and realised that I did not deserve what I got, that I had not committed a crime and did not deserve to be treated like filth. It took me years to stop blaming myself unnecessarily and once I did that, I felt that a person who misled me and does not even regret it, does not deserve my forgiveness!

In conclusion, I think it's ok not to forgive someone, it doesn't mean you are incomplete or petty. In fact, having someone to hate sometimes can provide a good outlet to channel you negativity towards. .  .and you never know, it might turn into something constructive :-)

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