Something weird's happening. . .and it's not a bad thing. . .
Ok so maybe I'm not making much sense but give me a chance. Over the years, I've spoken of everything from personal problems to social issues but today, well at least for the moment and for the post, I have nothing negative to talk about! This weird sensation has swept over and I feel at peace with myself and the world around me. It seems like something that may have happened over time but it feels like a overnight change, and there are couple of changes I've noticed.
Firstly, I'm not overtly emotional; ok so I wasn't always over emotional. Infact, I was a bit on the aloof and indifferent side and then, a life changing course and some really close friends later, I became more emotionally available and responsive and that was a good thing, and then one bad occurrence after another snowballing into one big mess, me. Life felt heavy with never ending health problems, lack of appreciation and loneliness. Those who I thought would stick by me walked away when it suited them, while others, well unwittingly yet willingly gave me strength and support. And somewhere in the midst of all these ups and downs, I just stopped getting upset over small things, became a more cheerful version of myself and now I feel less ashamed of the person I am.
Secondly, I no longer allow people to hurt me anymore. Friends, ahem ex friends are not a sore topic for me anymore. While I had moved on from blaming myself to realising their flaws a long back, the thought of how they treated me still hurt and I often thought of reconciliation. Something very interesting happened recently. So I wished one of these ex friends Happy Birthday and for the first time in so many years, I actually got a reply asking how I was. I knew I wasn't going to get another chance so I was frank yet polite and asked if this person was just being cordial or was actually ready to talk about what happened all those years ago. Normally, I would get upset about how rude, cold and self serving he was to not respond to my mail but this time, I felt nothing! I'm not mad at this person for being a jerk! No sorrow, no hurt, no bitterness, nothing :-) and, now I'm finally done thinking of any reconciliation :-D
Thirdly, I care about myself. Now you are probably wondering well what's so weird about that, don't we all? For me however, in a myriad of health problems, I was upset and disappointed to say the least about what was happening. I had not only given up hope about getting healthy again, I had also stopped caring and stopped trying to do something about it. My main concern was my massive weight gain over the years because of all these issues and all I could think about was how to lose it. Nothing I had tried so far had worked for me, therefore nothing would as far as I was concerned. But now, I've stopped obsessing about weight loss. For once, I've stopped caring about the right kind of things. Not caring about weight means I'm focussing on my stamina, metabolism, core strength and diet, the things I should have been caring about right from the beginning :-)
Last but very very important change in me is my drop in social anxiety. Now not many people know this about me, but I'm a shy person, especially in a new crowd. There was a point where I would avoid any situations where I was required to meet new people, talk to strangers, make new friends or talk in a big group. Even simple tasks like driving on the freeway or going to a new place would give me butterflies in my tummy. While I still enjoy staying at home or spending time alone, I'm no longer anxious about more social interactions, or meeting new people. I'm even considering learning new skills, traveling a bit and do things I've never done before :-)
I'm not sure what has brought over this dramatic wave of positivity over a genetically pessimistic person like me, but I think my daughter has had a lot to do with it. Spending time with her, doing things for her and watching her grow has helped me grow as a person too :-) you often hear of people saying things like 'motherhood has changed me' but it's usually accompanied by talks of time management, being more emotional, changing priorities and multitasking. For me, the change has been on a spiritual level; I feel like a new person with less baggage, more joy and above all, more confidence. I look after my health while caring for my little one, I take no crap from anyone and I choose to socially interact more. My husband continues to support me more than ever in all my efforts and as for those jerks of my life, you will never hurt me again, ever!
Ok so maybe I'm not making much sense but give me a chance. Over the years, I've spoken of everything from personal problems to social issues but today, well at least for the moment and for the post, I have nothing negative to talk about! This weird sensation has swept over and I feel at peace with myself and the world around me. It seems like something that may have happened over time but it feels like a overnight change, and there are couple of changes I've noticed.
Firstly, I'm not overtly emotional; ok so I wasn't always over emotional. Infact, I was a bit on the aloof and indifferent side and then, a life changing course and some really close friends later, I became more emotionally available and responsive and that was a good thing, and then one bad occurrence after another snowballing into one big mess, me. Life felt heavy with never ending health problems, lack of appreciation and loneliness. Those who I thought would stick by me walked away when it suited them, while others, well unwittingly yet willingly gave me strength and support. And somewhere in the midst of all these ups and downs, I just stopped getting upset over small things, became a more cheerful version of myself and now I feel less ashamed of the person I am.
Secondly, I no longer allow people to hurt me anymore. Friends, ahem ex friends are not a sore topic for me anymore. While I had moved on from blaming myself to realising their flaws a long back, the thought of how they treated me still hurt and I often thought of reconciliation. Something very interesting happened recently. So I wished one of these ex friends Happy Birthday and for the first time in so many years, I actually got a reply asking how I was. I knew I wasn't going to get another chance so I was frank yet polite and asked if this person was just being cordial or was actually ready to talk about what happened all those years ago. Normally, I would get upset about how rude, cold and self serving he was to not respond to my mail but this time, I felt nothing! I'm not mad at this person for being a jerk! No sorrow, no hurt, no bitterness, nothing :-) and, now I'm finally done thinking of any reconciliation :-D
Thirdly, I care about myself. Now you are probably wondering well what's so weird about that, don't we all? For me however, in a myriad of health problems, I was upset and disappointed to say the least about what was happening. I had not only given up hope about getting healthy again, I had also stopped caring and stopped trying to do something about it. My main concern was my massive weight gain over the years because of all these issues and all I could think about was how to lose it. Nothing I had tried so far had worked for me, therefore nothing would as far as I was concerned. But now, I've stopped obsessing about weight loss. For once, I've stopped caring about the right kind of things. Not caring about weight means I'm focussing on my stamina, metabolism, core strength and diet, the things I should have been caring about right from the beginning :-)
Last but very very important change in me is my drop in social anxiety. Now not many people know this about me, but I'm a shy person, especially in a new crowd. There was a point where I would avoid any situations where I was required to meet new people, talk to strangers, make new friends or talk in a big group. Even simple tasks like driving on the freeway or going to a new place would give me butterflies in my tummy. While I still enjoy staying at home or spending time alone, I'm no longer anxious about more social interactions, or meeting new people. I'm even considering learning new skills, traveling a bit and do things I've never done before :-)
I'm not sure what has brought over this dramatic wave of positivity over a genetically pessimistic person like me, but I think my daughter has had a lot to do with it. Spending time with her, doing things for her and watching her grow has helped me grow as a person too :-) you often hear of people saying things like 'motherhood has changed me' but it's usually accompanied by talks of time management, being more emotional, changing priorities and multitasking. For me, the change has been on a spiritual level; I feel like a new person with less baggage, more joy and above all, more confidence. I look after my health while caring for my little one, I take no crap from anyone and I choose to socially interact more. My husband continues to support me more than ever in all my efforts and as for those jerks of my life, you will never hurt me again, ever!
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