I like to believe

That all creatures great and small

Are made in God’s image

And one should love them all

 

But along came a someone

Who reminded me once more,

That some make you feel loved

And some just make you sore

 

This particular someone,

Let’s call her Elle

A true wolf in sheep skin

To the world, a belle

 

Behind closed doors however,

A dementor, a vampire

Sucking life out of you

A hypocrite, a liar

 

Which I truly wish

Was the end of the list

But we have only just begun

Let me give you the gist

 

Overprotected and spoilt

Pampered to a fault

Never had to face the world

Like a grown ass adult

Selfish to a fault

Never truly loved another

Not her husband or children

A sister or brother

 

Never made a damn effort

To built a true friendship

Or even with her children

A healthy relationship

 

Everyone in her life

A mere means to an end

No respect for people

And never one to bend

 

Even if she’s at fault

She rather project

The blame and hatred

Than pause and reflect

 

On how she might have been wrong

To control and manipulate

Everyone to suit her

For her ego to inflate

 

One likes to believe

And not just for token

That life can make you bitter,

That no one’s born broken

 

That everyone deserves love,

Trust, compassion and respect

One should always try to see

The best of the best

 

In others around them

But sometimes some people

Especially wicked, vindictive ones

Can get you cursing

 

At how she’s hurting

What you hold dear

And even herself

But I wouldn’t shed a tear

 

On someone who can’t bear

To see another at peace

A bully and a sadist

Wanting her family on a leash

 

I know this sounds horrid

And maybe I’m unfair

That there may be redemption

Once she begins to share

 

Her sorrows, her mistakes

Perhaps a shred or remorse

Instead of saying ‘I’m perfect’

Saying ‘I can change, of course’

 

It’s a pity and a sin

That she may never see

The bad karma she’s earned

Will never let her be

 

Truly at peace

Until the day she repents

For all the hurt she has caused

And makes proper amends

 

 

Mujhe desh chhode 9 saal ho gaye. Us desh mein main padhi pali, waqt ko aage badhte dekha, apne aap ko Hindustani kehne mein garv mehsoos karti thi, karti hoon. Par pichle kuch salon mein, main ne desh ki dasha aur disha dono ko bigadte hue dekha hain.

Jo desh apne sanskaar ke liye jaana jata tha, wahaan khule aam log pitthte dikh rahe hain, jo desh apni aazadi ke liye Angrezon se bhid gaya, woh aaj desh drohiyon ke neeche dab gaya hai. Jis desh mein har chhoti baat par behes aur charcha hoti thi, wahaan ab kisi ko bhi bolne ki azaadi nahi hai.

Brahshtachaar, berozgari, nirdhanta, desh mein yeh sab pehle bhi tha par ab lag raha hai ki desh ki haalat itni buri pehle kabhi na thi. Pichle kahi saalon mein humne varn vyvastha, varg vibhaajan aur purush prata sampradhay ki khilaaf jo big kadam uthaaye gaye hain, sab mitti mein mil rahe hain. Mano ki desh vasiyon ko daba ke rakhne ke liye desh ne sanchaalakon ne use do kadam peeche kheench liya hai.

Logon ka mazaak banake rakh diya hai. Desh mein galat fehmi, dehshak aur nafrat fehla rahe hain yeh log. Khud toh bewakoofiyaan bolte aur karte hain, upar se baaki sab ko bhi apne jaisa samajhte hain. Yeh sab kya kam tha jo samachaar patr, akaashvaani, doordarshan, sab ko kharid kar unke maadhyam se apni bewakoofiyon ka dhindhora peethte hain. Do paise ki akal nahi hai, ek paise ki siksha nahi, ghar chalane ki aukaad nahi aur desh chalaane nikle hain.

Saam, daam, dandh, bhedh, sab hathkhande apnaaye, rajya ko apne vash mein rakh ne ke liye. Aur ab tak zyaada tar unki jeet hi hui hai, par laalach mein andhe har insaan se jo galtiyaan hoti hain, woh unse bhi ho rahi hain. Desh vaasiyon se woh jitna sach chhupaane ki koshish kar rahe hain, utna hi baahar waalon ko unki sachaai dikhaayi de rahi hai. Bahaari deshon mein in baaton ko le kar charcha hoti hai, log haste hain hum par. Ek do patrakaaron ne desh ki sanchaalakon ki jhooti taarif kya karli, unhe laga ki sachaai se logon ka dhyaan bhatak jaayega. Par kya kare, social media ka zamaana hai bhai, jo sachaai sun na chaahte hai, un tak baat pahunch hi jaati hai.

Log bhul rahe hain ki hum Angrezon se aazadi isliye pa sake the kyunki logon ko sehen karne ki seema paar ho chuki thi, dheere dheere ek andolan sa umadh raha tha desh mein, aur bas, baaki itihaas gawah hai.

Waqt ke saath saath log badalte hai, desh badalta hai, aur badlaav toh sansaar ka neeyam bhi hai. Aur ummeed karti hoon ki is kaari raat ke baad aazadi ki subah phir lautegi. 

Amanush

Ek ummeed lekar aaye
Ghar dwaar inke, par
Swagat toh na kiya lekin
Haq jataaya hum par

Shuruwaat mein thi chhoti
Phir badd gaye shikwe gile
Ek aankh nahi bhaate unko
Jab bhi hum unse mile

Mile aise log
Kutte, kaminey, khudgarz
Sab bhulaaya, sab kiya maaf
Samajh kar apna farz

Socha waqt denge unhe
Aakhir woh bhi hain insaan
Yehi toh galti hui humse
Nikle woh haiwaan

Saanp bahut dekhe jeewan mein
Lekin itne zehreeley nahin
Darti hoon waqt aane par apne
Bacchon ko dass na jaaye kahin

Buddhi bhrasht hui meri
Jo inko samajhne chali
Inse pyaar kiya, inka saath diya
Pal pal chaddhakar apni bali

Ab bas, ab bahut hua
Rishta toda, toda saath
Aur zalil nahi hona
Ab apni izzat apne haath

Something weird's happening.  .  .and it's not a bad thing.  .  . 

Ok so maybe I'm not making much sense but give me a chance. Over the years, I've spoken of  everything from personal problems to social issues but today, well at least for the moment and for the post, I have nothing negative to talk about! This weird sensation has swept over and I feel at peace with myself and the world around me. It seems like something that may have happened over time but it feels like a overnight change, and there are couple of changes I've noticed.

Firstly, I'm not overtly emotional; ok so I wasn't always over emotional. Infact, I was a bit on the aloof and indifferent side and then, a life changing course and some really close friends later, I became more emotionally available and responsive and that was a good thing, and then one bad occurrence after another snowballing into one big mess, me. Life felt heavy with never ending health problems, lack of appreciation and loneliness. Those who I thought would stick by me walked away when it suited them, while others, well unwittingly yet willingly gave me strength and support. And somewhere in the midst of all these ups and downs, I just stopped getting upset over small things, became a more cheerful version of myself and now I feel less ashamed of the person I am. 

Secondly, I no longer allow people to hurt me anymore. Friends, ahem ex friends are not a sore topic for me anymore. While I had moved on from blaming myself to realising their flaws a long back, the thought of how they treated me still hurt and I often thought of reconciliation. Something very interesting happened recently. So I wished one of these ex friends Happy Birthday and for the first time in so many years, I actually got a reply asking how I was. I knew I wasn't going to get another chance so I was frank yet polite and asked if this person was just being cordial or was actually ready to talk about what happened all those years ago. Normally, I would get upset about how rude, cold and self serving he was to not respond to my mail but this time, I felt nothing! I'm not mad at this person for being a jerk! No sorrow, no hurt, no bitterness, nothing :-) and, now I'm finally done thinking of any reconciliation :-D

Thirdly, I care about myself. Now you are probably wondering well what's so weird about that, don't we all? For me however, in a myriad of health problems, I was upset and disappointed to say the least about what was happening. I had not only given up hope about getting healthy again, I had also stopped caring and stopped trying to do something about it. My main concern was my massive weight gain over the years because of all these issues and all I could think about was how to lose it. Nothing I had tried so far had worked for me, therefore nothing would as far as I was concerned. But now, I've stopped obsessing about weight loss. For once, I've stopped caring about the right kind of things. Not caring about weight means I'm focussing on my stamina, metabolism, core strength and diet, the things I should have been caring about right from the beginning :-)

Last but very very important change in me is my drop in social anxiety. Now not many people know this about me, but I'm a shy person, especially in a new crowd. There was a point where I would avoid any situations where I was required to meet new people, talk to strangers, make new friends or talk in a big group. Even simple tasks like driving on the freeway or going to a new place would give me butterflies in my tummy. While I still enjoy staying at home or spending time alone, I'm no longer anxious about more social interactions, or meeting new people. I'm even considering learning new skills, traveling a bit and do things I've never done before :-)

I'm not sure what has brought over this dramatic wave of positivity over a genetically pessimistic person like me, but I think my daughter has had a lot to do with it. Spending time with her, doing things for her and watching her grow has helped me grow as a person too :-) you often hear of people saying things like 'motherhood has changed me' but it's usually accompanied by talks of time management, being more emotional, changing priorities and multitasking. For me, the change has been on a spiritual level; I feel like a new person with less baggage, more joy and above all, more confidence. I look after my health while caring for my little one, I take no crap from anyone and I choose to socially interact more. My husband continues to support me more than ever in all my efforts and as for those jerks of my life, you will never hurt me again, ever!

I'd like to talk about forgiveness today. No, this is not some preachy lecture about how you need to forgive others for your peace of mind etc. Of late, I've been viewing forgiveness in a slightly different light.

I see forgiveness as a spectrum now, allow me to explain. There are varying degrees of forgiveness and since I don't have clear definitions or words for them, I can only explain with examples of situations in which you would probably need to forgive. The first would be, say, someone borrowed your most favourite book and managed to lose it. The second, someone mocks you or are insensitive towards you. Third, a person out rights hurts, insults and humiliates you.

Now, I don't think it's impossible to forgive someone under either of those types of circumstances but I believe that it's dependant on a number of factors. Firstly, it depends on whether this person was a loved one or not. Sometimes it's easier to forgive a stranger than to forgive a friend and I think it's because you love and trust your friend and an event such as this can hamper that. It's easier to hate someone, if things reach such a point, if you've loved them once, rather than if you were indifferent to them.

And how many people actually say sorry for what they have done? Personally, all I need is a heartfelt apology and I can genuinely forgive and move on. Some people though, either are too thick to realise what they've done wrong or their ego would not allow them to apologise. I suppose you can still forgive people despite no apology, and that brings me to my next point.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily have to be black or white (as in, either you forgive or you don't). You can either wholeheartedly forgive someone and not think about it, and I have done that many a times, or, in particularly hard situations, you can still forgive but always remember what they did. The forgive but don't forget rule that I have. It's important not to forget so as not to give people opportunities to hurt you in the same manner again.

Now here's another thought- is it possible to undo the forgiveness? This might seem bizarre but this happened to me. Many years ago when I had a falling out with a friend, despite the harsh treatment I'd received, I had forgiven him. . .till recently. Yes, I no longer forgive him and here's why. When things went awry all those years back, I believed I was to blame and that I deserved what I got. But with time, love and support, I was able to look back at those events in a much more clear light and realised that I did not deserve what I got, that I had not committed a crime and did not deserve to be treated like filth. It took me years to stop blaming myself unnecessarily and once I did that, I felt that a person who misled me and does not even regret it, does not deserve my forgiveness!

In conclusion, I think it's ok not to forgive someone, it doesn't mean you are incomplete or petty. In fact, having someone to hate sometimes can provide a good outlet to channel you negativity towards. .  .and you never know, it might turn into something constructive :-)

"Na mohabbatein, na dosti ke liye.  . .waqt rukta nahi kisi ke liye".  .  .

Ghazals such as these are among the many bits of music that helped me get through tough times. A rough equivalent of the line above would be 'time and tide wait for none'.  .  .and so true, but I digress.  .  .

I have no doubts that I have spoken about this before, perhaps in a different manner, still it helps to pen things down as they come to you. When people hurt you, you wonder if they ever realise what they have done, if if they repent.  .  .if you are like me, you probably believe in Karma, what goes around comes around. Quite often, I'm fortunate and Karma lets me watch people suffer.  .  .call it voyeuristic or petty, justice and retribution are very important to me.

And then, there are times when time and distance do not give you the opportunity to know.   .  .what do you do then? Just forget about it, right? Easy peezy.  .  .well, not for me. You see, I am, well, was, among those emotional fools who gave a 100 percent to all relationships that are worth it, not realising that it's important to be equals in a relationship. In my cases, yes plural if you'd believe, I was in shoulder deep while the "other" person was possibly just dipping his feet in, or so is the logical explanation for why it was so easy for them to just forget about me.

One of these friends actually said to me, "you just lost a friend, trust me it's nothing like being in a romantic relationship, you have no idea.  .  .". At first I thought, maybe he's right, after all I'd never actually fallen in love, all these people I got so attached to were all friends, best friends yes, but things never went past that, in a way that was a blessing I guess.  .  .n when even that friend left my side, I thought no, if I'm hurt, I'm hurt, a friend instead of a lover does not make my feelings any less significant or deep. I spent most of life listening to stories of other people, acknowledging their feelings, didn't occur to acknowledge my own.  . .

Then a thought occurred to me, something almost as painful as what I had already been through. I noticed a pattern, no one can get unlucky every single time, perhaps I'm the reason, I drive people away, maybe I'm unable to inspire loyalty in others and that, hurts the most. It's something I can't quite shake off, it's not that I'm too nice or too forgiving, maybe I'm just not good enough, or I'm a bit too involved. Funny, today I'm a wife and a mother and one of the things my husband loves about me is that I love him to bits but I also give him space. Maybe I've changed.  . .or maybe, I've finally found a man (I stress on man, as my girlfriends have given me tremendous support and love) who loves me for who I am, we balanced each other out, we fill each other's void.  . .and that is perhaps why none of the others "worked out".  .  ,they were never meant to, for this to happen :)

It's been years since all these incidents, life goes on, and I think somewhere deep down, I can say I've forgiven them, but if life ever presented the opportunity, I would give these people a piece of my mind, it's important that people are made aware of their mistakes, and even if they know it already, it would feel awesome to just vent out all my anger and pain in person, letting it out once and for all, to feel light again, to feel free of some emotional baggage as it were.  . .perhaps, someday, you never know.  .  .

Daur naya, par chehra wahi
Aur is chehre par jhuriyaan kahi
Sudharte sudharte guzar gaya jeevan
Khaamiyaan kuch par khoobiyaan nahi

Baitthi apne aap ek kone
Jab mila koi use sawaar ne
Nahin tha lekin usme dhairya
Chhod gaya use beech majhdhaar mein

Lekin kahaan seekha usne sabak
Phir peda hue wahi haalaat
Sach hi kehte hain log
Bandar kabhi nahi bhoolta apni gulaat

Dobaara chot laga, phir jaana
Kuch bhi nahi hai stthir
Tei kar liya tha usne
Nahi karni dosti phir.  .  .

Kismat ko tha kuch aur manzoor
Din aaye phir harsh ke
Ek nahi, dugni mili khushiyaan
Bhale hi guzar ne pade kuch sangharsh se

Kabhi kabhi iss sab ke beech
Yaad aati hai puraani baatein
Kuch has kuch ro leti hai
Phir doob jaati apne aaj mein

Bhool jaati ki, na stthir hai dukh
Or na sada khushiyaan rahengi
Sheeghr aayeinge woh din jab
Uske sab zakhm waqt khud bharegi